Monday, December 28, 2009

Christmas (Addition)

Tis the season, the season to praise ghosts above and hear more and more about conditional love. Tis the month of false advertising, we're told that we're happy while statistics are rising, Tis the day where we visit people of which we share nothing in common. People it's been a year since we've laid eyes upon. What if we acted like human beings and not creatures devoid of emotion? Let's take a moment to explore this notion. There's no need to look to what's after this life because this is all there will be. Real love can't be bought but the expensive gifts sparkle too much for us to see that all there is what you got, the family you avoid and meaningless things you bought. Tis the time of suffering for so so many, the ones without the spirit, the ones who can't spend a pretty penny. They are forgotten, forgotten by everyone, the reason we should look back on this year and think of what we could have done. This year I thought of noone but myself. This year you thought of noone but yourself. So here's to a never ending winter where our lips are cracked and our relationships splinter. Here's to a World that doesn't care as long as they have their share. Repeat. Repeat. Repeating your actions. Repeat. Repeat. Repeating as long as you have satisfaction. Here comes another 365 reasons to change but it always ends up the same.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Christmas

Tis the season, the season to praise ghosts above and hear more and more about conditional love. Tis the month of false advertising, we're told that we're happy while statistics are rising, Tis the day where we visit people of which we share nothing in common. People it's been a year since we've laid eyes upon. What if we acted like human beings and not creatures devoid of emotion? Let's take a moment to explore this notion. There's no need to look to what's after this life because this is all there will be. Real love can't be bought but the expensive gifts sparkle too much for us to see that all there is what you got, the family you avoid and meaningless things you bought. Tis the time of suffering for so so many, the ones without the spirit, the ones who can't spend a pretty penny. They are forgotten, forgotten by everyone, the reason we should look back on this year and think of what we could have done. This year I thought of noone but myself. This year you thought of noone but yourself. So here's to a never ending winter where our lips are cracked and our relationships splinter.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Timing (re-written)

Leaving home, emptying out my memories. Erasing everything in the past that meant the most to me. Those things didn't belong where I was going to go, they belong to a person I no longer know. People I used to love had written me letters. I re-read those words that night, hoping that now their lives are better. As I lay here in silence, wide awake, living with the choice I know was the right one to make. I'm so sorry for all the bad times, the times I was a curse and I'm so sorry for all the good times that made the bad times seem so much worse. I'll never forgive myself and I can't forget. These words might means nothing to you but they're all I have left except this room filled with emptiness in cardboard lessons. My last memory of this place will be this confession. I'm sorry.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Timing

Leaving home, emptying out my memories. Erasing everything in the past that meant the most to me. Those things didn't belong where I was going to go, they belong to person I no longer know. People I used to love had written me letters. I'm so glad that now their lives are so much better. I'm so sorry for all the bad times, the times I was a curse and I'm so sorry for all the good times that made the bad times seem so much worse. I'm left in a room filled with emptiness in cardboard lessons. My last memory of this place will be this confession.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Myocardial Infarction

I fell but you kept your balance. I started stumbling right from the start. Didn't learn from my mistakes, sprinting when I should walk despite pressure on my heart. Again. Again and again and again. All I want is for this cycle to end, Chest pains and shortness of breath, it's funny how feeling alive is so similar to feeling close to death. Everything happens for a reason but reasons that just can't be explained. I've had the best experiences of my life just when I felt like I was circling the drain. Why am I so susceptible? I must have a genetic predisposition but I don't care for the advice of some "qualified" physician so I'll keep clutching my chest and gasping for air. Practicing for when you won't be there.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Stop trying.

At least you tried, at least you tried and tried. Tried the same thing over and over again because you're so afraid to look inside. Stop asking me what's wrong and saying that you don't understand just because this aftermath isn't going how you had planned. You know exactly what you did and exactly what you said, exactly what you meant but you choose to play the fool instead. Maybe it's to get a reaction from me. Well here's another indirect set of lyrics for you and others to see. I could use your real name but I prefer all the others they use. You left me. Now leave me. I just want to forget you.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Thinking

Everyday I wake up looking for life's lessons and everynight I go to sleep with more questions. Embrace your anger, embrace your fears, because those are emotions that never truely disappear. I can never return to so called "normality", because happiness is just a temporary distraction from reality.

Disconnected.

Who needs enemies when I feel I can turn on my friends at any given moment? How can I cut people out of my life without any remorse or need to repent? Where do I get off, thinking that friendships are being handed out left and right, when it's oh so scarce and there looks to be no end to this blight? This set of skin and bone just might be meant to speak intone. This set of skin and bone just might be meant to be alone. I'm a hypocrites hypocrite, I can hide behind these songs. Tell people when they're close to the truth that they're wrong. But I know that it's just a matter of time before everyone I've let in sees I'm a failure by design. This set of skin and bone just might be meant to speak intone. This set of skin and bone just might be meant to be alone. I'm thankful for all the joy I've forgotten that I had. Why hold onto a good memory until it turns bad?

Friday, September 11, 2009

Unthinkable (Rewritten)

When something happens and the only person you want to talk to is the only person who is able to make you feel like this, what do you do? Do you bury yourself in a fantasy world, when your dream of reality becomes unfurled? Do you bury yourself in your work, when your hope for the future is nothing but fictional artwork? Is it stupid that I fight sleep so that nightmares won't get me in two places? Is it stupid that I'm so afraid of human interaction when I'm not surrounded by familiar faces? I found love once, I even found it twice. I'm consumed with the notion that it has to be someone else who saves my life. Everyday I wake up looking for life's lessons and everynight I go to sleep with more questions. I'm stubbornly bound to not so perfect convictions. It's my very nature that won't let me escape these afflictions. I've been broken. I'm emotionally inert. The only thing left to do is bury me in the dirt.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Crisis

Stop. Stop telling me everything is going to be alright. Sometimes I just need to talk to someone who doesn't answer with advice. Nothing's alright, it never was. It's just that now know I can blame it on a false cause. Things might happen for a reason, but most things don't. I can't label anymore of my mistakes. I just won't. I scream for help in a way that no-one can really hear because when someone in need is a room, no-one wants to be there. When it's not their problem, most people aren't being nice. They just want something to tell their happy friends on late nights. This is reality and this is why I'm always looking to hide. Let's just both concentrate on just getting by. Stop.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Creating Distance

Three little words. Three separate lies. Could never keep a straight face when you were looking into my eyes. When I said those words, they were nothing but the truth. Little did I know this would just be another lesson of my youth. I can't stop hanging onto sinking clich├ęs because I'm afraid of what lies beneath. I can't stop hallucinating memories as my mind walks a barren heath. Don't let your positivity shine down on me. I am but a photograph taken long ago, a distant memory of my former self. But just so you know, I know more than you think I know. All that's left to say is that you reap what you sow.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Learning as we go

I used to want to build instead of destroy. Is this part of me becoming a man instead of just staying a boy? Is that all growing up is? Going from defense, simply changing my tactics to all out offense? Why am I switching sides? Is this the future I continuely circumvent? Because I still believe that anything can change in just one moment. But in that moment, I was ready to pack up and leave because there's nothing here for me anymore, nothing but time to grieve.

Life

My mind is full of riddles, spelled out in rhymes and lately they've all been revolving around time. How much is left? How much have I wasted? If I died tomorrow, am I happy with the life I've led? An old friend I barely knew, reminds me of what awaits. While people tell me I should re-embrace my not too long forgotten faith. Well I have faith that there is no god and I have faith that you are wrong. Yeah I have faith that there is no god and I have faith that I am alone. We're all born with hope in our hearts and a ticket to our own funeral in our vains. Hope might fade but the ticket always remains.

Ghost

If anyone here is thinking of giving up hope please give it to me because I just can't cope. It feels like everyone else is moving on and I'm standing still, wondering where they've all gone. I beg of you please don't look into these eyes. I don't you to see what's behind this guise. It's all been an illusion, these sockets are hallow. I've been lying to everyone I know. I'm blind to facts that are indisputable. Passing off people's views as inscrutable. I'm dead inside, I show emotions I think I should feel. I say things I don't really mean. Sometimes I can't tell what's real. Everything I just can't have is everything I've ever wanted. I don't feel in control, my corpse is haunted.

Different

Lately I've been thinking, I've been thinking back to a time where I wasn't disgusted by my surroundings and the only life I knew wasn't mine. It wasn't so far in the past that I was living a lie. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I never cut the ties. Went where everyone went. Did what everyone did. Thought how everyone thought. Said what everyone said. Sometimes I think how much easier everything it would be if someone else was pulling the strings. To be bound to a broken society, to be part of this twisted logic instead of a slave to independence. To live a "normal life" instead of this life sentence. Oh I know that I'm just a blip on your radar and I'll be gone in a flash. You've never given any pity and if you did I'd spit it back. We are different, we will never be cared about. We didn't choose this, we were forced out.

Unthinkable

When something happens and the only person you want to talk to, is the one and only person who could make you feel like you do. Do you bury yourself in a fantasy world when your dream of reality becomes unfurled? Do you bury yourself in your work when your hope for the future is but fictional artwork? Is it stupid that I lay awake at night trying to fight sleep so that nightmares won't get me in two places? Is it stupid that I have become so afraid of human interaction when I'm not surrounded by familiar faces? I don't know if it's possible to run away from these afflictions. Binded by my stubborn nature and stuck to not so perfect convictions. If I fail again, I fear I won't come back. I won't be able to revert and the only thing I could bury myself in would be the dirt.