Monday, July 27, 2009

Learning as we go

I used to want to build instead of destroy. Is this part of me becoming a man instead of just staying a boy? Is that all growing up is? Going from defense, simply changing my tactics to all out offense? Why am I switching sides? Is this the future I continuely circumvent? Because I still believe that anything can change in just one moment. But in that moment, I was ready to pack up and leave because there's nothing here for me anymore, nothing but time to grieve.


My mind is full of riddles, spelled out in rhymes and lately they've all been revolving around time. How much is left? How much have I wasted? If I died tomorrow, am I happy with the life I've led? An old friend I barely knew, reminds me of what awaits. While people tell me I should re-embrace my not too long forgotten faith. Well I have faith that there is no god and I have faith that you are wrong. Yeah I have faith that there is no god and I have faith that I am alone. We're all born with hope in our hearts and a ticket to our own funeral in our vains. Hope might fade but the ticket always remains.


If anyone here is thinking of giving up hope please give it to me because I just can't cope. It feels like everyone else is moving on and I'm standing still, wondering where they've all gone. I beg of you please don't look into these eyes. I don't you to see what's behind this guise. It's all been an illusion, these sockets are hallow. I've been lying to everyone I know. I'm blind to facts that are indisputable. Passing off people's views as inscrutable. I'm dead inside, I show emotions I think I should feel. I say things I don't really mean. Sometimes I can't tell what's real. Everything I just can't have is everything I've ever wanted. I don't feel in control, my corpse is haunted.


Lately I've been thinking, I've been thinking back to a time where I wasn't disgusted by my surroundings and the only life I knew wasn't mine. It wasn't so far in the past that I was living a lie. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I never cut the ties. Went where everyone went. Did what everyone did. Thought how everyone thought. Said what everyone said. Sometimes I think how much easier everything it would be if someone else was pulling the strings. To be bound to a broken society, to be part of this twisted logic instead of a slave to independence. To live a "normal life" instead of this life sentence. Oh I know that I'm just a blip on your radar and I'll be gone in a flash. You've never given any pity and if you did I'd spit it back. We are different, we will never be cared about. We didn't choose this, we were forced out.


When something happens and the only person you want to talk to, is the one and only person who could make you feel like you do. Do you bury yourself in a fantasy world when your dream of reality becomes unfurled? Do you bury yourself in your work when your hope for the future is but fictional artwork? Is it stupid that I lay awake at night trying to fight sleep so that nightmares won't get me in two places? Is it stupid that I have become so afraid of human interaction when I'm not surrounded by familiar faces? I don't know if it's possible to run away from these afflictions. Binded by my stubborn nature and stuck to not so perfect convictions. If I fail again, I fear I won't come back. I won't be able to revert and the only thing I could bury myself in would be the dirt.